When I wither and when I bloom

Sometimes (quite often, even) I wonder if I’m really cut out for ordinary life?

I can walk, speak, choose, and so on. But inside I’m still waiting to hear the question: "To whom do you belong?" And I wait so I can answer aloud: "To you, Master. Always".

It’s not romanticism. It’s not fantasy. It’s the ontology of my soul. When I try to be equal – I wither. When I let myself be led - I bloom. And even if sometimes I think I’d prefer it to be different (because, let’s be honest, it would be much simpler in many ways), I can’t change it in any way. Those are the facts.

Right to speak is not right to choose

– Please, tell me, Master... How does it really work, this right to say "no"?

– What do you mean?

– Sometimes you tell me I’m allowed to say "no", Master. But pretty much every time I do, you still go ahead and do whatever you want, Master. So why tell me I have the right to say "no", when I actually don’t?

– Because your "no" isn’t a boundary. You understand? It’s part of your voice, part of how we communicate, but it isn’t a limit for me. That’s all it is, and that’s everything it is. By giving you that word, I give you a voice. Not a choice.

– A voice? That’s not just a voice. It’s protest, Master.

– Protest is still a kind of conversation. And I always respond. Even if not in the way you were hoping for. Even if I don’t grant you a choice. I still hear you. I’m always listening. I’m always reading you.

– So... Are you saying you’re a sadist, Master?

– No. I’m a cartographer. By letting you say "no", I’m letting you draw me a map of your resistance. Or more precisely, you draw it for me using that word. You understand?

– I think I do, Master... But what happens next? Why do you do that?

– Next? I study the map carefully, checking which spots are most sensitive to touch, which hurt the most. And it's these spots I conquer. I conquer them all, one by one, so that I can finally have all of you. So that there's not a single point in you that resists my will, even if it's just an inner resistance that you yourself can overcome with your obedience and your desire to please me.