Every night I fall asleep with the thought of waking. I shape my dream of him, hoping that if in the evening I begin to dream while awake, then perhaps in the morning I will wake in the dreamed reality. And even if it is only fantasy, my heart has long since forgotten any other way. My soul and mind are ready to kneel before Master. Even when he is not there.
No one knows that every morning, before I open my eyes, before I even realize that I have awakened, my heart is already kneeling. My first thoughts belong to Master, turned toward him. With the forehead of my soul I am already touching the invisible floor, though I have not yet opened my eyes. My hands are already ready to carry out a command, though it has not yet come. My first conscious breath is the exhale of my own will, placed into Master’s hands. My body too awakens completely prepared, in case it is what Master requires. Complete readiness to serve. And then I fully awaken.
Everything I write here is not a metaphor. It is the reality of the daily experience of my internal enslavement. It is the reality of the inner longing to serve and to belong to someone in order to be fully myself. It is a feeling so strong it consumes me from within when it has no outlet. When it has no purpose – no Master.
The truth is that freedom chafes me. I cannot say this aloud to anyone, because most likely I would (at best) be laughed at. Or considered abnormal. But there is nothing wrong with me. It is simply that freedom, understood in the common way, hurts me.
I will wait. Patiently and humbly. My body and soul learned that long ago.
2 comments:
Maybe your Master is on his way…
Thank you
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